⌚️ My Smartwatch Judged Me and Honestly, It Was Fair 😂
When I bought my smartwatch, I imagined a futuristic friendship. Like, “Hey bestie, let’s close those rings!” kind of vibe. Instead, I got a passive-aggressive robot strapped to my wrist who silently (but consistently) reminds me I’m a lazy bag of carbs.
The betrayal began innocently enough.
Day one:
I walked 1,200 steps. The watch buzzed.
“You’re almost there! Just 8,800 steps to go!”
Okay, rude, but fine. Baby steps, right?
Day three:
I was lying on the couch, eating pizza, watching other people exercise on YouTube (in spirit, I was active). The watch vibrated and said:
“Time to stand up!”
I ignored it. It buzzed again.
“You can do it!”
Ma’am, I know I can. I’m choosing not to.
Later, I stood up to get a slice of cheesecake. It immediately rewarded me with a confetti animation:
“You did it!”
For walking to the fridge. Incredible. My proudest fitness moment.
Then came the workouts. I tried doing a 10-minute beginner yoga flow. I was sweating, shaking, and questioning my life choices. At the end, the watch flashed:
“Workout complete. Calories burned: 23.”
TWENTY. THREE. That’s not even enough to burn off a Tic Tac.
The real kicker came last weekend.
It was Sunday morning, and I had slept in till 11 a.m. I rolled over, checked my wrist, and there it was:
“No activity recorded. Everything okay?”
IT ASKED IF I WAS OKAY. I’ve had exes with more emotional intelligence, but none of them ever hit me with concern and judgment in the same sentence.
At that point, I accepted the truth: My smartwatch was not trying to help me—it was trying to humble me. And honestly? It was fair.
I don’t drink water. I’ve muted every health notification. I once walked 2,000 steps in a day and felt like I’d earned a medal. My watch knows me better than my therapist at this point.
But hey—I did reach my stand goal one day. Technically I was pacing during a 45-minute phone call with my mom, but still. A win is a win.
So here’s to my smartwatch: my harshest critic, my accidental life coach, and the only thing in my life that’s ever held me accountable.
One day, I’ll close all my rings.
Today is not that day.
But I’ll get there… eventually.
Right after this nap.
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