💔 Dating App Diaries: Swipe Right on Regret 😂📱

Ah yes, dating apps—the digital land of filtered faces, vague bios, and bold promises like “I’m 6’2″ if that matters 😉.” Spoiler: It does matter. Especially when they show up and they’re 5’9″… in heels.

Let me walk you through my most unforgettable (and by unforgettable, I mean trauma-inducing) dating app experience. I call this chapter: “Swipe Right on Regret.”

It started with a match named Brandon. His profile said he was into travel, tacos, and deep conversations—you know, the holy trinity of dating app lies. He had pictures with puppies, a sunset selfie, and one of him “randomly” holding a guitar.

We chatted. He used punctuation. He spelled “you” like a whole word. I was charmed. So, we planned a date—coffee and conversation. Innocent enough, right?

Wrong.

Red Flag #1: He showed up 20 minutes late. No apology, but he did say, “Sorry, I had to finish a super intense Call of Duty match.”
Sir. I put on eyeliner for this.

Red Flag #2: He walked in wearing slides. Not cool ones. Fuzzy, questionably clean ones. And he brought a half-eaten bag of Hot Cheetos into the café. Like it was a purse.

Red Flag #3: When I asked what he did for work, he replied, “I’m an entrepreneur… I flip sneakers and give life advice on TikTok.”
I blacked out for a second.

Trying to salvage the date, I asked about his travels (remember—he loved travel?).
He said, “Yeah, I went to Vegas once. Got food poisoning. Changed my life.”
I don’t think that counts as spiritual growth, Brandon.

Then came the final straw.
He said, “So what’s your favorite conspiracy theory? Mine’s that birds aren’t real.”
I laughed, thinking he was kidding.
He wasn’t.

As he passionately explained how pigeons are government drones, I sipped my coffee and mentally texted my best friend:

“Emergency exit plan. Operation BirdBoy.”

Eventually, I faked a phone call (classic) and left.
He texted later that night:

“You seem cool. Want to come over and watch YouTube vids on Area 51?”

I did not reply. I did, however, screenshot everything and post it in our group chat titled “Men Are Confusing Vol. 12.”

So yes—swiping right led to regret.
But it also led to group chat gold and 3,000 steps of dramatic pacing around the café.
Not a total loss.

And now, I wear my dating app scars like digital war medals.
Still swiping… but cautiously. Like a squirrel crossing a freeway.

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